I'm doing a personal study on poverty.
I just got a book called Make Poverty Personal: Taking Poverty as Seriously as the Bible the author identifies poverty as not having the means to live as God intends; when one is unable to live in 'shalom" and cannot without outside help.
As I have been reading this book I have also been praying for an experience with poverty, that I would personally experience it in my life. It's kind of like praying for patience as soon as the Lord begins to answer the prayer you beg for it to end:)
I had been planning a trip home to Georgia for my youngest sister's graduation. My boyfriend and I worked out our route and made plans to stop in North Carolina to see friends for a day. We packed my car and hit the road. Thirty minutes into our trip my car loses power. We were already two hours late leaving I hadn't planned on any delays. After thirty minutes of debate we turned the car around and headed to the auto shop. Two hours later we were given the diagnosis, it needed a new piece and a new timing belt. We were encouraged not to drive to Georgia. Sad day:(
So we packed all our stuff into Brian's car before dropping my car off back to the autoshop. The bad news was, Brian still needed an oil change. Our tab was getting bigger by the minute. We got to Jiffy Lube where we added some more time to our ever lengthening road trip. I cried out some woes to Brian about how I just wanted to be in Georgia and I just didn't know how I was going to afford more work on my car and a trip to Georgia! He responded, "Estie is there anything you have been praying about lately that might have something to do with our situation now?" He had to ask. "YES!" I exclaimed, "I've been praying that I'd experience poverty." Brian said he thought we should pray so there in Jiffy Lube we did. I prayed that God would meet all my financial needs and that if he wanted he could stop making me experience poverty. While my brilliant boyfriend began praying passionately that the Lord would make him experience poverty too! I slapped him in the arm, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" We can't afford to experience anymore, we get the point. 'Lord, he takes that back!'"
We laughed and embraced and decided to find joy in our taste of poverty.
I am discovering that poverty does not only affect you financially, but you can be impoverished in your spirit. Though it may sound strong, but I have used it multiple times to describe my heart to the Lord. I cry out to him, "Lord my heart is impoverished without you! I am stuck here if you don't move in my life." If I didn't have Jesus I would not be living even close to the shalom that I am in now.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Living out Covenant
I saw the sweetest thing yesterday. I was jogging on my school indoor trac when an elderly couple walked in. The husband balanced his wobbling wife a nearby bench where he helped her to sit down. The husband tightened her shoes and helped her stretch her legs
and then they stood up to begin their first lap.
Working in the hospital you come to recognize a stroke victim by their sometimes slurred speech, one side of their face usually droops a bit and their mental status slower as they are less capable to comprehend often basic information. I gathered this was the case for this particular woman. Her left leg seemed more hesitant to move in rhythm with her right her and her smile was slightly slanted.
Her husband walked her to the inside lane of the trac and let go of her hand. She began walking with impressive speed for a stroke victim and her arms moved in rhythm with each determined step she took. The husband fell in step behind her. He watched her carefully, each step she took, and was ready to catch her if she fell. My eyes watered at this picture of love.
I imagined what it was like for them fourty or so years ago to commit to a lifetime together. I thought of their love story and thought about how many times they have looked into each others eyes full of love and acceptance. I wondered when she had her stroke and how so much beauty was injured, but realized the beauty that was birthed.
My heart was overwhelmed with love for this couple that lived up to the covenant they made with each other however many years ago at the alter. This man understood the meaning of his vows, "For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, as long as we both shall Live." I feel there are many couples that when a challenge to their marriage happens, be it a stroke, difference of opinion, repeating arguments, etc. the marriage just falls apart. I am grateful that this couple walked out their covenant on the trac and that I could witness it.
and then they stood up to begin their first lap.Working in the hospital you come to recognize a stroke victim by their sometimes slurred speech, one side of their face usually droops a bit and their mental status slower as they are less capable to comprehend often basic information. I gathered this was the case for this particular woman. Her left leg seemed more hesitant to move in rhythm with her right her and her smile was slightly slanted.
Her husband walked her to the inside lane of the trac and let go of her hand. She began walking with impressive speed for a stroke victim and her arms moved in rhythm with each determined step she took. The husband fell in step behind her. He watched her carefully, each step she took, and was ready to catch her if she fell. My eyes watered at this picture of love.
I imagined what it was like for them fourty or so years ago to commit to a lifetime together. I thought of their love story and thought about how many times they have looked into each others eyes full of love and acceptance. I wondered when she had her stroke and how so much beauty was injured, but realized the beauty that was birthed.
My heart was overwhelmed with love for this couple that lived up to the covenant they made with each other however many years ago at the alter. This man understood the meaning of his vows, "For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, as long as we both shall Live." I feel there are many couples that when a challenge to their marriage happens, be it a stroke, difference of opinion, repeating arguments, etc. the marriage just falls apart. I am grateful that this couple walked out their covenant on the trac and that I could witness it.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Spiritual Circumcision
In complete honesty I have been struggling with some heavy sin. I am also learning to face the consequences of my actions. Sin is such a putrid thing!!! It takes everything pure and holy in your life and twists it up, disfiguring it so that what was once good is unrecognizable and feelings of heavy regret overwhelm your soul. You find yourself crying in bed like King David soaking your pillows with tears. I feel like once I thought I have finally learned my lesson, I fail AGAIN! How can I let sin have this much power over me? Where I willfully choose it? Oh how it grieves my soul, but I can only imagine what it does to the heart of my maker.
Isn't it funny how sometimes when you are dealing with some deep life issues it seems everything in chapel, or church sermons are pointed directly at you. Even the worship seems to just slam-dunk your heart.
Yesterday we had a visiting chapel speaker who spoke about circumcision.
Naturally there was snickers, and giggling, especially by us ladies when the subject of the male genitalia came up.
The speaker spoke about what it means to have your heart circumcised to God. Deuteronomy 10:16 says, "Circumcise your hearts, therefore, and do not be stiff-necked any longer." In short it means to have your heart's will cut off so that Christ's will can reign, that you are humbled by "loosening your neck" so that Christ can direct us like the mules that we are:) Oh how humbling it is to feel the weight of our humanity.
I cannot tell you how gracious the Lord is to me. I cannot believe he loves me the amount that he does. Even when I promise him I won't do something again and then do, he STILL welcomes me home to a feast! OH HOW HE LOVES US!
My prayer the past two days has been,
"Lord circumcise my heart of my will so that your's might reign. Be the object of my affection, my relentless pursuit. Teach me to RUTHLESSLY trust you with my Isaacs, and believe in your promises and blessings."
I don't like sin, I don't want it in my life. I want it purged. I want to be white as snow. I want to be made new today. And I get to live with the hope that this will come to fulfillment.
Praise you Father!
Isn't it funny how sometimes when you are dealing with some deep life issues it seems everything in chapel, or church sermons are pointed directly at you. Even the worship seems to just slam-dunk your heart.
Yesterday we had a visiting chapel speaker who spoke about circumcision.
Naturally there was snickers, and giggling, especially by us ladies when the subject of the male genitalia came up.
The speaker spoke about what it means to have your heart circumcised to God. Deuteronomy 10:16 says, "Circumcise your hearts, therefore, and do not be stiff-necked any longer." In short it means to have your heart's will cut off so that Christ's will can reign, that you are humbled by "loosening your neck" so that Christ can direct us like the mules that we are:) Oh how humbling it is to feel the weight of our humanity.
I cannot tell you how gracious the Lord is to me. I cannot believe he loves me the amount that he does. Even when I promise him I won't do something again and then do, he STILL welcomes me home to a feast! OH HOW HE LOVES US!
My prayer the past two days has been,
"Lord circumcise my heart of my will so that your's might reign. Be the object of my affection, my relentless pursuit. Teach me to RUTHLESSLY trust you with my Isaacs, and believe in your promises and blessings."
I don't like sin, I don't want it in my life. I want it purged. I want to be white as snow. I want to be made new today. And I get to live with the hope that this will come to fulfillment.
Praise you Father!
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Life Philosophy - class paper I wrote
I feel as though my life has been a series of some answered and some unanswered questions. The past few years at college I have struggled to allow myself to keep asking questions because I felt I should be more conclusive and have things more put together in life; I would suppress pending questions and reject their persistence. As a result I have learned how close those questions are to my relationship with Jesus Christ because he was the outlet to which I found their answers, and in rejecting those questions I was rejecting intimacy with a loving God.
It is interesting how the Lord works in all aspects of our lives, not one aspect lacks importance to him. He used Philosophy 180 to rejuvenate these questions and to give me permission to embrace a life that embraces question asking. In our first day of class we discussed reasons we should study Philosophy, one of them was because our human mind is depraved, “we can’t think perfectly, but with God’s help we can think clearly and accurately about many things in life.”
Through my questions I feel I am discovering the heart of God, and I do not want to give up those questions if it means giving up knowing the heart of God less.
Just as I want a heart fully alive to Jesus Christ, I want a mind fully alive to him as well. The Bible says in Matthew 22:37, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” I have found that feelings are fleeting, one moment I can love a person, and then the next moment I can want nothing to do with them. I need my mind to compensate for my heart when it wanders. I cannot love the Lord with only my heart because one day something good can happen in my life that beckons me to thanksgiving and the next day a hurricane could wipe out a city and make me hate God. It is hard to always feel love towards a God that allows evil in the world, but with a foundation of sound evidence and truth I think there is a more likely chance that my emotions will have as much power over my wandering heart.
In one of our first days of class we learned that God is big enough to handle our questions. If he is who we say that he is then he created our hearts and minds, along with their tendencies. Could our conflicting souls in search for truth be evidence of our need for a relationship with God? If he is the only one capable of handling our questions then he is the only one we can ask, and if entering dialogue with him produces relationship then he must want a relationship with us. The process of forming deductive arguments like the one stated above has been a helpful tool for me to better draw conclusions and back up my faith. This also is an easy tool to at least feel more educated in my responses when answering the call of Peter to, “But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander,” (1 Peter 3:15-16).
As I have struggled through my questions I feel I tend to use a lot of circular reasoning. I am not sure this is entirely healthy, but I cannot deny the fundamental truths and the thought of reconsidering them is difficult for me. In John 6:67-68 Jesus asks his disciples after his teachings were rejected by a group of people, “you do not want to leave too, do you?” To which Peter responds, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God.” I have stated this very verse to God time and time again, expressing that I have no where else to go but him. I don’t understand why things are the way they are, but he is all I have and even if I tried to run away I would be compelled to return to him.
This is a large portion of my reasoning with evil in the world. For me, I have to trust that it is not necessary that I understand as much as it is for me to trust in God. A verse that I rely heavily upon is Proverbs 3:5-6 which says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.” This verse, for me, relates back to the commandment of loving the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, and soul. It speaks to me that in loving the Lord with all my heart it requires me to trust the Lord with all my heart.
This is a hard concept for me to grasp because I worry the Lord won’t come through for me. I fear that Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you,” is maybe just a one time thing. But then I am confronted with the concept that God never changes, Malachi 3:6a says, “I the Lord do not change.” So if God does not change then his word must be eternal, because how could he go back on something he has already said, because that would mean his heart has changed. The possibility that a God who created the universe has great hopes for me, bewilders me. But I think trust shows a huge amount of love. When people trust me, my character, and my heart, I feel extremely loved. But it is difficult to reach that point of trust or to reach a point where you can say, “I trust you no matter what.”
To trust someone no matter what is basically saying, “whatever you do I believe you have good reason for it.” The problem with trusting God no matter what is that is easily reconsidered when evil enters ones life. Because, if I believe that God wants good for me, and doesn’t want to harm me, but then bad happens to me and I am harmed, then this is a hard truth to believe. It leads me to question God’s capability to interact with me and ask just how involved is he in my life. It makes me wonder how God could allow such evil to happen if he desires the exact opposite for me. Such situations place my entire belief system under trial and force me to reconsider what I am putting my trust in.
The sovereignty of God is not an easy thing to grasp and questioning his sovereignty can be a painful process. It is not fun to reconsider a commitment previously made, just like in a marriage no one wants to have to reevaluate the foundation of that commitment. If I knew something would not last I am not entirely sure I would want to invest in it. If I knew I was going to get a divorce ten years after I got married, I would not want to get married, I want to avoid all pain to the best of my ability.
But, my personal belief is that I have to trust that God intends good and hopes for it despite my circumstances. He can make my path straight when I acknowledge him and trust him. Though hurt is ever present in life and inevitable, he can help to make my path straight in the midst of it, and I have chosen to believe this.
I do not want to back down on my commitment to Christ. I hope that the Lord can trust me as struggle to trust him, even though I am weak and prone to failure. I do know he has entrusted, to some extent, his reputation to me. I am a representation of him because I am his daughter, just as I represent my earthly father.
Committing to Christ has been hard and I don’t like it most the time, but when I am not in him I am miserable. Once adopted by him I am forever his and nothing I can do can change that, because once he makes his mark on my heart he does not take it back, because he is never changing.
I love the Lord, and my philosophy of life is based on his amazing truths and love that he has for me. I am forever grateful for his love and redemption and only hope and pray that I can help others experience this amazing love of Christ.
It is interesting how the Lord works in all aspects of our lives, not one aspect lacks importance to him. He used Philosophy 180 to rejuvenate these questions and to give me permission to embrace a life that embraces question asking. In our first day of class we discussed reasons we should study Philosophy, one of them was because our human mind is depraved, “we can’t think perfectly, but with God’s help we can think clearly and accurately about many things in life.”
Through my questions I feel I am discovering the heart of God, and I do not want to give up those questions if it means giving up knowing the heart of God less.
Just as I want a heart fully alive to Jesus Christ, I want a mind fully alive to him as well. The Bible says in Matthew 22:37, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” I have found that feelings are fleeting, one moment I can love a person, and then the next moment I can want nothing to do with them. I need my mind to compensate for my heart when it wanders. I cannot love the Lord with only my heart because one day something good can happen in my life that beckons me to thanksgiving and the next day a hurricane could wipe out a city and make me hate God. It is hard to always feel love towards a God that allows evil in the world, but with a foundation of sound evidence and truth I think there is a more likely chance that my emotions will have as much power over my wandering heart.
In one of our first days of class we learned that God is big enough to handle our questions. If he is who we say that he is then he created our hearts and minds, along with their tendencies. Could our conflicting souls in search for truth be evidence of our need for a relationship with God? If he is the only one capable of handling our questions then he is the only one we can ask, and if entering dialogue with him produces relationship then he must want a relationship with us. The process of forming deductive arguments like the one stated above has been a helpful tool for me to better draw conclusions and back up my faith. This also is an easy tool to at least feel more educated in my responses when answering the call of Peter to, “But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander,” (1 Peter 3:15-16).
As I have struggled through my questions I feel I tend to use a lot of circular reasoning. I am not sure this is entirely healthy, but I cannot deny the fundamental truths and the thought of reconsidering them is difficult for me. In John 6:67-68 Jesus asks his disciples after his teachings were rejected by a group of people, “you do not want to leave too, do you?” To which Peter responds, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God.” I have stated this very verse to God time and time again, expressing that I have no where else to go but him. I don’t understand why things are the way they are, but he is all I have and even if I tried to run away I would be compelled to return to him.
This is a large portion of my reasoning with evil in the world. For me, I have to trust that it is not necessary that I understand as much as it is for me to trust in God. A verse that I rely heavily upon is Proverbs 3:5-6 which says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.” This verse, for me, relates back to the commandment of loving the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, and soul. It speaks to me that in loving the Lord with all my heart it requires me to trust the Lord with all my heart.
This is a hard concept for me to grasp because I worry the Lord won’t come through for me. I fear that Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you,” is maybe just a one time thing. But then I am confronted with the concept that God never changes, Malachi 3:6a says, “I the Lord do not change.” So if God does not change then his word must be eternal, because how could he go back on something he has already said, because that would mean his heart has changed. The possibility that a God who created the universe has great hopes for me, bewilders me. But I think trust shows a huge amount of love. When people trust me, my character, and my heart, I feel extremely loved. But it is difficult to reach that point of trust or to reach a point where you can say, “I trust you no matter what.”
To trust someone no matter what is basically saying, “whatever you do I believe you have good reason for it.” The problem with trusting God no matter what is that is easily reconsidered when evil enters ones life. Because, if I believe that God wants good for me, and doesn’t want to harm me, but then bad happens to me and I am harmed, then this is a hard truth to believe. It leads me to question God’s capability to interact with me and ask just how involved is he in my life. It makes me wonder how God could allow such evil to happen if he desires the exact opposite for me. Such situations place my entire belief system under trial and force me to reconsider what I am putting my trust in.
The sovereignty of God is not an easy thing to grasp and questioning his sovereignty can be a painful process. It is not fun to reconsider a commitment previously made, just like in a marriage no one wants to have to reevaluate the foundation of that commitment. If I knew something would not last I am not entirely sure I would want to invest in it. If I knew I was going to get a divorce ten years after I got married, I would not want to get married, I want to avoid all pain to the best of my ability.
But, my personal belief is that I have to trust that God intends good and hopes for it despite my circumstances. He can make my path straight when I acknowledge him and trust him. Though hurt is ever present in life and inevitable, he can help to make my path straight in the midst of it, and I have chosen to believe this.
I do not want to back down on my commitment to Christ. I hope that the Lord can trust me as struggle to trust him, even though I am weak and prone to failure. I do know he has entrusted, to some extent, his reputation to me. I am a representation of him because I am his daughter, just as I represent my earthly father.
Committing to Christ has been hard and I don’t like it most the time, but when I am not in him I am miserable. Once adopted by him I am forever his and nothing I can do can change that, because once he makes his mark on my heart he does not take it back, because he is never changing.
I love the Lord, and my philosophy of life is based on his amazing truths and love that he has for me. I am forever grateful for his love and redemption and only hope and pray that I can help others experience this amazing love of Christ.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
The Shack
An Excerpt from The Shack, by William Young, that rocked my world and is helping to shape the way I think about my past, present and future. I am learning to surrender with ruthless trust to Christ's hope for me. Thank you Lord!
Jesus chuckled. "Relax Mack; this is not a test, this is a conversation. You are exactly correct, by the way (humans were designed to live in the present). But now tell me, where do you spend most of your time in your mind, in your imagination - in the present, in the past or in the future."
Mack thought for a moment before answering. "I suppose I would have to say that I spend very little time in the present. For me, i spend a big piece in the past, but most of the rest of the time, I am trying to figure out the future."
"Not unlike most people. When I dwell with you, I do so in the present - I live in the present. Not the past, although much can be remembered and learned by looking back, but only for a visit, not an extended stay. And for sure, I do not dwell in the future you visualize or imagine. Mack, do you realize that your imagination of the future, which is almost always dictated by fear of some kind, rarely, if ever, pictures me there with you?"
Again Mack stopped and thought. it was true. he spent a lot of time worrying and fretting about the future, and in his imaginations it was usually pretty gloomy and depressing, if not outright horrible. And Jesus was also correct in saying that in Mack's imaginations about the future, God was always absent.
"Why do I do that?" asked Mack.
"It is your desperate attempt to get some control over something you can't. It is impossible for you to take power over the future because it isn't even real, nor will it ever be real. You try and play God, imagining the evil that you fear becoming reality, and then you try and make plans and contingencies to avoid what you fear," (pg. 177).
Jesus chuckled. "Relax Mack; this is not a test, this is a conversation. You are exactly correct, by the way (humans were designed to live in the present). But now tell me, where do you spend most of your time in your mind, in your imagination - in the present, in the past or in the future."
Mack thought for a moment before answering. "I suppose I would have to say that I spend very little time in the present. For me, i spend a big piece in the past, but most of the rest of the time, I am trying to figure out the future."
"Not unlike most people. When I dwell with you, I do so in the present - I live in the present. Not the past, although much can be remembered and learned by looking back, but only for a visit, not an extended stay. And for sure, I do not dwell in the future you visualize or imagine. Mack, do you realize that your imagination of the future, which is almost always dictated by fear of some kind, rarely, if ever, pictures me there with you?"
Again Mack stopped and thought. it was true. he spent a lot of time worrying and fretting about the future, and in his imaginations it was usually pretty gloomy and depressing, if not outright horrible. And Jesus was also correct in saying that in Mack's imaginations about the future, God was always absent.
"Why do I do that?" asked Mack.
"It is your desperate attempt to get some control over something you can't. It is impossible for you to take power over the future because it isn't even real, nor will it ever be real. You try and play God, imagining the evil that you fear becoming reality, and then you try and make plans and contingencies to avoid what you fear," (pg. 177).
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
A Dream Not Come True
Pastor: God is good!
Congregation: All the time!
Pastor: And all the time!
Congregation: God is good!
I wonder if Abraham felt these words to be true as he walked his only son to be sacrificed (Genesis 22).
“How can God be good if he is asking for what is most valuable to me? How can God be good if he is taking away my dream that I have prayed most fervently for?”
I wonder if those were his questions as he spent, what he thought, were his final moments with his son. Though this is an extreme story and unacceptable in today’s world, it is a priceless picture of complete obedience and trust in the Lord.
I am a dreamer. There are times I wish I could live for at least 200 years so that I can fit everything into my “life plan” and still have the ability to move around as a 22 year old. I want to have at least five vocations, learn at least two languages, raise a family, see Jesus return:), etc. But, I recently experienced that there is nothing more discouraging than seeing one of my dreams die.
To have come so close to a dream’s fulfillment, in what seemed like the Lord’s perfect timing only for it to be ripped away like my skin from my flesh. So much a part of who I am was in that dream, but to see it die was devastating. Like a part of me was dying.
I think Jesus was a dream not come true for many Jews. For hundreds of years they fostered a heroic image given to them by prophets such as Isaiah. An idea of what the Messiah would look like developed, dreamt of, and fervently prayed for, I can only imagine how disappointed, maybe embarrassed they might have been. To be told the “Messiah was coming! Emmanuel coming down the road” and with eagerness they stretched their necks to look over the crowds to see their long awaited king riding on………. a donkey? Was this a joke, where was the white stallion? Maybe the non-believers laughed at the Jews for all their talk and years of fervent prayer. “You prayed all those years for this?!” Could they even have felt mocked by Jesus?
As I saw this dream of mine die, I did what I could to bring life back into it. “CPR” you might say, pushing in breaths and compressing and waiting for a sign of life, but still no pulse. The life I was giving it wasn’t enough. I got tired, there was no response, and eventually my arms turned to flubber and my strength left me. Through the pain of my dream dying I have felt Christ ask me something, “Do you love me even more than this dream that you have put so much of your identity in?” And the sad, honest, answer was “No.”
The joy we are able to have in Christ is that death has no victory over us. Though my dream has died Christ can raise it up when and if he’d like. But, if Christ’s breath is breathed into it that dream will not ever die. I can have more assurance in the dreams he makes happen than the ones I make happen.
I want and hope for Christ to breathe life into my dreams. But I know that they have to die to me so that they might really have the chance to be fully alive in Christ. I guess this is a way of dying to the flesh for me.
Brennan Manning says it perfectly:
“Search your heart for the Isaac in your life – name it and then place it on the altar as an offering to the Lord – and you will know the meaning of Abrahamic Trust,”
(Ruthless Trust, pg. 177).
I am looking for more of these dreams and even the things that make me hesitant to give up these dreams (pride, fear, anger, hurt) and I’m struggling to lay those on the altar, trusting that even if the knife does strike, the Lord will still provide. (Genesis 22:1-18).
Whom have I but you Lord? There is no one.
Congregation: All the time!
Pastor: And all the time!
Congregation: God is good!
I wonder if Abraham felt these words to be true as he walked his only son to be sacrificed (Genesis 22).
“How can God be good if he is asking for what is most valuable to me? How can God be good if he is taking away my dream that I have prayed most fervently for?”
I wonder if those were his questions as he spent, what he thought, were his final moments with his son. Though this is an extreme story and unacceptable in today’s world, it is a priceless picture of complete obedience and trust in the Lord.
I am a dreamer. There are times I wish I could live for at least 200 years so that I can fit everything into my “life plan” and still have the ability to move around as a 22 year old. I want to have at least five vocations, learn at least two languages, raise a family, see Jesus return:), etc. But, I recently experienced that there is nothing more discouraging than seeing one of my dreams die.
To have come so close to a dream’s fulfillment, in what seemed like the Lord’s perfect timing only for it to be ripped away like my skin from my flesh. So much a part of who I am was in that dream, but to see it die was devastating. Like a part of me was dying.
I think Jesus was a dream not come true for many Jews. For hundreds of years they fostered a heroic image given to them by prophets such as Isaiah. An idea of what the Messiah would look like developed, dreamt of, and fervently prayed for, I can only imagine how disappointed, maybe embarrassed they might have been. To be told the “Messiah was coming! Emmanuel coming down the road” and with eagerness they stretched their necks to look over the crowds to see their long awaited king riding on………. a donkey? Was this a joke, where was the white stallion? Maybe the non-believers laughed at the Jews for all their talk and years of fervent prayer. “You prayed all those years for this?!” Could they even have felt mocked by Jesus?
As I saw this dream of mine die, I did what I could to bring life back into it. “CPR” you might say, pushing in breaths and compressing and waiting for a sign of life, but still no pulse. The life I was giving it wasn’t enough. I got tired, there was no response, and eventually my arms turned to flubber and my strength left me. Through the pain of my dream dying I have felt Christ ask me something, “Do you love me even more than this dream that you have put so much of your identity in?” And the sad, honest, answer was “No.”
The joy we are able to have in Christ is that death has no victory over us. Though my dream has died Christ can raise it up when and if he’d like. But, if Christ’s breath is breathed into it that dream will not ever die. I can have more assurance in the dreams he makes happen than the ones I make happen.
I want and hope for Christ to breathe life into my dreams. But I know that they have to die to me so that they might really have the chance to be fully alive in Christ. I guess this is a way of dying to the flesh for me.
Brennan Manning says it perfectly:
“Search your heart for the Isaac in your life – name it and then place it on the altar as an offering to the Lord – and you will know the meaning of Abrahamic Trust,”
(Ruthless Trust, pg. 177).
I am looking for more of these dreams and even the things that make me hesitant to give up these dreams (pride, fear, anger, hurt) and I’m struggling to lay those on the altar, trusting that even if the knife does strike, the Lord will still provide. (Genesis 22:1-18).
Whom have I but you Lord? There is no one.
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