Loss and Legacy

I am learning the gift of a legacy. Legacies have been given to me all my life, but I guess I haven’t really understood their worth until the one giving it to me has died. When death happens, most of me wants to beat the ground and scream to the heavens that they don’t know what they are doing up there and are only out to get me. I wallow in the “what ifs” and “if onlys” for what seems like a lifetime, until I can finally consider that maybe this was “God’s will.”

But, was it? Did he ever intend death? In his perfect beginning, when all creation stood naked before him did death even exist? Did he ever intend love to be separated? Could my grief be even a fraction of what God felt the day Adam and Eve took a bite from that juicy piece of fruit? The Lord watched as his creation abandoned their trust in him for only a few moments costing them a lifetime of separation from the physical presents of their creator, costing countless their eternity.

The Lord’s original plan had to be rewritten with death in the picture. The earth had to become a battleground rather than a utopia.

But there must be something significant to these unbearable emotions that He would let us feel them, right? Such strong emotion, that if pressed into with fervency could make you sweat blood! Even the giver of life, who came down in the flesh, wept for the loss of Lazarus, when he knew he’d see him again in Heaven, and at a simple command would raise his friend to new life again.

We try to pat dry our tears, find something to make us happy, or feel better about ourselves so that we don’t have to face the unnatural part of life. Maybe it is because we know if we give into those tears that we just might see how inadequate we are, and we don’t know when the tears will stop. That if we submit to the sorrow we’ll see that we aren’t in control, and that we never were.

As long as we are stuck in this mindset we won’t know Christ as our hope. In our fallen state, we have been reconciled to God by the blood of Jesus. Where once death could separate us it no longer can! The death of Christ is symbolic of every child of God’s death. God saw our mess and picked it up for us and he is recruiting us to help bring back his original plan.

This Song by Misty Edwards is the prayer of my heart!

Sparrows

I wish I could capture what I am seeing now. It is sparrows; they are flying above and around me. They climb towards the sky and then dive, flirting with the open space their master gave them.

Watching them I think of Matthew 10:29-31 (NIV)

29Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. 30And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 31So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

I’m forced to ask the question, “Why do I fear so much?” The King of the universe holds my heart in the palm of his hand! I have room to dance, to sing, to delight in the beauty of each new day I encounter.

Bless the Lord! Bless His holy name! All you people rejoice!

Called to Pain

Today in my team devotional book I read Genesis 12:1-8

"Then the Lord told Abram, 'Leave your country, your relatives, and your father's house, and go to the land that I will show you. I will cause you to become the father of a great nation. I will bless you and make you famous, and I will make you a blessing to others. I will bless those who bless you and curse those who curse you. All the families of the earth will be blessed through you.'

So Abram departed as the Lord had instructed him, and Lot went with him, Abram was seventy-five years old when he left Haran. He took his wife, Sarai, his nephew Lot, and all his wealth - his livestock and all the people who had joined his household at Haran - and finally arrived in Canaan. Traveling through Canaan, they came to a place near Shechem and set up camp beside the oak at Morch. At that time, the area was inhabited by Canaanites.

Then the Lord appeared to Abram and said, 'I am going to give this land to your offspring.' And Abram built an altar there to commemorate the Lord's visit. After that, Abram traveled southward and set up camp in the hill country between Bethel on the west and Ai on the east. The he built an altar and worshiped the Lord. "

For most of us girls reading this we meditate on the first verse that speaks about leaving the comforts of our country/home for another, because that is in fact what we have done. But, today that is not what got my attention. It was more towards the end, the part about the altar in verse 7 and 8.

I don't know if Abram used this altar for a burnt offering, but I am imagining that He did. As we all know the Lord used to require a burnt offering. Usually the finest lamb, fortunately Christ took this place and we don’t have to anymore, however He does want our hearts. Sometimes I wish I could just give Him a lamb and save the risk of lying flat on his table, heart completely exposed to whatever He wants.

What I have learned this far is that Christ is calling me to a place of pain. He is wooing my heart into brokenness. When I first realized what He was doing I was completely resistant and fearful. As the Lord beckoned me to his side one of my favorite passages came to mind, Hosea 2:14-17:

“But then I will win her back once again. I will lead her out into the desert and speak tenderly to her there. I will return her vineyards to her and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope. She will give herself to me there, as she did long ago when she was young, when I freed her from captivity in Egypt.

“In that coming day,” says the Lord. “you will call me ‘my husband’ instead of ‘my master.’ O Israel, I will cause you to forget your images of Baal; even their names will no longer be spoken.”

Part of this brokenness process has involved me having to lay down the promises Christ has for me. Though he has promised me beautiful things in life I have to lay down my crown, my rights, for the love of my King. I like to compare it to having a child. Often at baby dedications you hear the pastor recite to the proud new parents the meaning of dedicating their child back into the hands of God. That this gift of life that was given to them, ultimately belongs to Christ. The Lord has given me such gifts, not babies, but things that are just as precious to me at this point in my life, but he is asking that I give them back to Him. Though His promises will remain, I have to learn to give up my rights to them.

Sometimes I just want to scream at God, “Aren’t you finished with me yet! Cause I want to be finished with you!” I get so warn out, but my heart cannot resist the Lord, I feel his pursuit and hate my resistance. I belong to Him.

So here I am in Africa trying to make the best altar possible; loading all of my dreams, one on top of the other, ready to light the match at his signal. What a scary process. It breaks my heart, but I do it for the joy that is set before me.

Christ knew all along He would have to die for us. He knew that he would lie on the altar. He feared it, but He did it for the joy set before Him.

Dear Precious Baby,

Today you were born into the worst situation known to man.

Your Mom has AIDS, and your Dad already died of AIDS.
They can’t do the blood test on you until your eighteen months old, but there is a small chance it will be negative.

You have two older siblings. Your older sister, who is eight, will take care of you for the most part. She’ll strap you to her back and hold your five year old brothers hand taking you both through the crowded main street of town to sell the mandazi your mother made early in the morning while you still slept. Your mother hopes this will bring in money for some corn meal that will give her family the sense of fullness.

When you are two your abdomen will likely protrude. You'll be malnourished. You may get a meal a day. At night you will lay next to your mother on the hard dirt floor. She has no more milk for you; life no longer pours out of her. She is thin, and pained at your touch. You will watch her die and hear your sister and brother crying, wondering who will take care of them.


Who will take care of you?

You may end up on the streets. You might be separated from your siblings. But, one thing for sure, you will be orphaned.

And you don’t even know all this yet.

So rest precious baby. Rest because you do not know you are orphaned. Let the sorrows of this world not steal the peace you have now in your mothers arms.