I feel as though my life has been a series of some answered and some unanswered questions. The past few years at college I have struggled to allow myself to keep asking questions because I felt I should be more conclusive and have things more put together in life; I would suppress pending questions and reject their persistence. As a result I have learned how close those questions are to my relationship with Jesus Christ because he was the outlet to which I found their answers, and in rejecting those questions I was rejecting intimacy with a loving God.
It is interesting how the Lord works in all aspects of our lives, not one aspect lacks importance to him. He used Philosophy 180 to rejuvenate these questions and to give me permission to embrace a life that embraces question asking. In our first day of class we discussed reasons we should study Philosophy, one of them was because our human mind is depraved, “we can’t think perfectly, but with God’s help we can think clearly and accurately about many things in life.”
Through my questions I feel I am discovering the heart of God, and I do not want to give up those questions if it means giving up knowing the heart of God less.
Just as I want a heart fully alive to Jesus Christ, I want a mind fully alive to him as well. The Bible says in Matthew 22:37, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” I have found that feelings are fleeting, one moment I can love a person, and then the next moment I can want nothing to do with them. I need my mind to compensate for my heart when it wanders. I cannot love the Lord with only my heart because one day something good can happen in my life that beckons me to thanksgiving and the next day a hurricane could wipe out a city and make me hate God. It is hard to always feel love towards a God that allows evil in the world, but with a foundation of sound evidence and truth I think there is a more likely chance that my emotions will have as much power over my wandering heart.
In one of our first days of class we learned that God is big enough to handle our questions. If he is who we say that he is then he created our hearts and minds, along with their tendencies. Could our conflicting souls in search for truth be evidence of our need for a relationship with God? If he is the only one capable of handling our questions then he is the only one we can ask, and if entering dialogue with him produces relationship then he must want a relationship with us. The process of forming deductive arguments like the one stated above has been a helpful tool for me to better draw conclusions and back up my faith. This also is an easy tool to at least feel more educated in my responses when answering the call of Peter to, “But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander,” (1 Peter 3:15-16).
As I have struggled through my questions I feel I tend to use a lot of circular reasoning. I am not sure this is entirely healthy, but I cannot deny the fundamental truths and the thought of reconsidering them is difficult for me. In John 6:67-68 Jesus asks his disciples after his teachings were rejected by a group of people, “you do not want to leave too, do you?” To which Peter responds, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God.” I have stated this very verse to God time and time again, expressing that I have no where else to go but him. I don’t understand why things are the way they are, but he is all I have and even if I tried to run away I would be compelled to return to him.
This is a large portion of my reasoning with evil in the world. For me, I have to trust that it is not necessary that I understand as much as it is for me to trust in God. A verse that I rely heavily upon is Proverbs 3:5-6 which says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.” This verse, for me, relates back to the commandment of loving the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, and soul. It speaks to me that in loving the Lord with all my heart it requires me to trust the Lord with all my heart.
This is a hard concept for me to grasp because I worry the Lord won’t come through for me. I fear that Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you,” is maybe just a one time thing. But then I am confronted with the concept that God never changes, Malachi 3:6a says, “I the Lord do not change.” So if God does not change then his word must be eternal, because how could he go back on something he has already said, because that would mean his heart has changed. The possibility that a God who created the universe has great hopes for me, bewilders me. But I think trust shows a huge amount of love. When people trust me, my character, and my heart, I feel extremely loved. But it is difficult to reach that point of trust or to reach a point where you can say, “I trust you no matter what.”
To trust someone no matter what is basically saying, “whatever you do I believe you have good reason for it.” The problem with trusting God no matter what is that is easily reconsidered when evil enters ones life. Because, if I believe that God wants good for me, and doesn’t want to harm me, but then bad happens to me and I am harmed, then this is a hard truth to believe. It leads me to question God’s capability to interact with me and ask just how involved is he in my life. It makes me wonder how God could allow such evil to happen if he desires the exact opposite for me. Such situations place my entire belief system under trial and force me to reconsider what I am putting my trust in.
The sovereignty of God is not an easy thing to grasp and questioning his sovereignty can be a painful process. It is not fun to reconsider a commitment previously made, just like in a marriage no one wants to have to reevaluate the foundation of that commitment. If I knew something would not last I am not entirely sure I would want to invest in it. If I knew I was going to get a divorce ten years after I got married, I would not want to get married, I want to avoid all pain to the best of my ability.
But, my personal belief is that I have to trust that God intends good and hopes for it despite my circumstances. He can make my path straight when I acknowledge him and trust him. Though hurt is ever present in life and inevitable, he can help to make my path straight in the midst of it, and I have chosen to believe this.
I do not want to back down on my commitment to Christ. I hope that the Lord can trust me as struggle to trust him, even though I am weak and prone to failure. I do know he has entrusted, to some extent, his reputation to me. I am a representation of him because I am his daughter, just as I represent my earthly father.
Committing to Christ has been hard and I don’t like it most the time, but when I am not in him I am miserable. Once adopted by him I am forever his and nothing I can do can change that, because once he makes his mark on my heart he does not take it back, because he is never changing.
I love the Lord, and my philosophy of life is based on his amazing truths and love that he has for me. I am forever grateful for his love and redemption and only hope and pray that I can help others experience this amazing love of Christ.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Thursday, September 18, 2008
The Shack
An Excerpt from The Shack, by William Young, that rocked my world and is helping to shape the way I think about my past, present and future. I am learning to surrender with ruthless trust to Christ's hope for me. Thank you Lord!
Jesus chuckled. "Relax Mack; this is not a test, this is a conversation. You are exactly correct, by the way (humans were designed to live in the present). But now tell me, where do you spend most of your time in your mind, in your imagination - in the present, in the past or in the future."
Mack thought for a moment before answering. "I suppose I would have to say that I spend very little time in the present. For me, i spend a big piece in the past, but most of the rest of the time, I am trying to figure out the future."
"Not unlike most people. When I dwell with you, I do so in the present - I live in the present. Not the past, although much can be remembered and learned by looking back, but only for a visit, not an extended stay. And for sure, I do not dwell in the future you visualize or imagine. Mack, do you realize that your imagination of the future, which is almost always dictated by fear of some kind, rarely, if ever, pictures me there with you?"
Again Mack stopped and thought. it was true. he spent a lot of time worrying and fretting about the future, and in his imaginations it was usually pretty gloomy and depressing, if not outright horrible. And Jesus was also correct in saying that in Mack's imaginations about the future, God was always absent.
"Why do I do that?" asked Mack.
"It is your desperate attempt to get some control over something you can't. It is impossible for you to take power over the future because it isn't even real, nor will it ever be real. You try and play God, imagining the evil that you fear becoming reality, and then you try and make plans and contingencies to avoid what you fear," (pg. 177).
Jesus chuckled. "Relax Mack; this is not a test, this is a conversation. You are exactly correct, by the way (humans were designed to live in the present). But now tell me, where do you spend most of your time in your mind, in your imagination - in the present, in the past or in the future."
Mack thought for a moment before answering. "I suppose I would have to say that I spend very little time in the present. For me, i spend a big piece in the past, but most of the rest of the time, I am trying to figure out the future."
"Not unlike most people. When I dwell with you, I do so in the present - I live in the present. Not the past, although much can be remembered and learned by looking back, but only for a visit, not an extended stay. And for sure, I do not dwell in the future you visualize or imagine. Mack, do you realize that your imagination of the future, which is almost always dictated by fear of some kind, rarely, if ever, pictures me there with you?"
Again Mack stopped and thought. it was true. he spent a lot of time worrying and fretting about the future, and in his imaginations it was usually pretty gloomy and depressing, if not outright horrible. And Jesus was also correct in saying that in Mack's imaginations about the future, God was always absent.
"Why do I do that?" asked Mack.
"It is your desperate attempt to get some control over something you can't. It is impossible for you to take power over the future because it isn't even real, nor will it ever be real. You try and play God, imagining the evil that you fear becoming reality, and then you try and make plans and contingencies to avoid what you fear," (pg. 177).
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
A Dream Not Come True
Pastor: God is good!
Congregation: All the time!
Pastor: And all the time!
Congregation: God is good!
I wonder if Abraham felt these words to be true as he walked his only son to be sacrificed (Genesis 22).
“How can God be good if he is asking for what is most valuable to me? How can God be good if he is taking away my dream that I have prayed most fervently for?”
I wonder if those were his questions as he spent, what he thought, were his final moments with his son. Though this is an extreme story and unacceptable in today’s world, it is a priceless picture of complete obedience and trust in the Lord.
I am a dreamer. There are times I wish I could live for at least 200 years so that I can fit everything into my “life plan” and still have the ability to move around as a 22 year old. I want to have at least five vocations, learn at least two languages, raise a family, see Jesus return:), etc. But, I recently experienced that there is nothing more discouraging than seeing one of my dreams die.
To have come so close to a dream’s fulfillment, in what seemed like the Lord’s perfect timing only for it to be ripped away like my skin from my flesh. So much a part of who I am was in that dream, but to see it die was devastating. Like a part of me was dying.
I think Jesus was a dream not come true for many Jews. For hundreds of years they fostered a heroic image given to them by prophets such as Isaiah. An idea of what the Messiah would look like developed, dreamt of, and fervently prayed for, I can only imagine how disappointed, maybe embarrassed they might have been. To be told the “Messiah was coming! Emmanuel coming down the road” and with eagerness they stretched their necks to look over the crowds to see their long awaited king riding on………. a donkey? Was this a joke, where was the white stallion? Maybe the non-believers laughed at the Jews for all their talk and years of fervent prayer. “You prayed all those years for this?!” Could they even have felt mocked by Jesus?
As I saw this dream of mine die, I did what I could to bring life back into it. “CPR” you might say, pushing in breaths and compressing and waiting for a sign of life, but still no pulse. The life I was giving it wasn’t enough. I got tired, there was no response, and eventually my arms turned to flubber and my strength left me. Through the pain of my dream dying I have felt Christ ask me something, “Do you love me even more than this dream that you have put so much of your identity in?” And the sad, honest, answer was “No.”
The joy we are able to have in Christ is that death has no victory over us. Though my dream has died Christ can raise it up when and if he’d like. But, if Christ’s breath is breathed into it that dream will not ever die. I can have more assurance in the dreams he makes happen than the ones I make happen.
I want and hope for Christ to breathe life into my dreams. But I know that they have to die to me so that they might really have the chance to be fully alive in Christ. I guess this is a way of dying to the flesh for me.
Brennan Manning says it perfectly:
“Search your heart for the Isaac in your life – name it and then place it on the altar as an offering to the Lord – and you will know the meaning of Abrahamic Trust,”
(Ruthless Trust, pg. 177).
I am looking for more of these dreams and even the things that make me hesitant to give up these dreams (pride, fear, anger, hurt) and I’m struggling to lay those on the altar, trusting that even if the knife does strike, the Lord will still provide. (Genesis 22:1-18).
Whom have I but you Lord? There is no one.
Congregation: All the time!
Pastor: And all the time!
Congregation: God is good!
I wonder if Abraham felt these words to be true as he walked his only son to be sacrificed (Genesis 22).
“How can God be good if he is asking for what is most valuable to me? How can God be good if he is taking away my dream that I have prayed most fervently for?”
I wonder if those were his questions as he spent, what he thought, were his final moments with his son. Though this is an extreme story and unacceptable in today’s world, it is a priceless picture of complete obedience and trust in the Lord.
I am a dreamer. There are times I wish I could live for at least 200 years so that I can fit everything into my “life plan” and still have the ability to move around as a 22 year old. I want to have at least five vocations, learn at least two languages, raise a family, see Jesus return:), etc. But, I recently experienced that there is nothing more discouraging than seeing one of my dreams die.
To have come so close to a dream’s fulfillment, in what seemed like the Lord’s perfect timing only for it to be ripped away like my skin from my flesh. So much a part of who I am was in that dream, but to see it die was devastating. Like a part of me was dying.
I think Jesus was a dream not come true for many Jews. For hundreds of years they fostered a heroic image given to them by prophets such as Isaiah. An idea of what the Messiah would look like developed, dreamt of, and fervently prayed for, I can only imagine how disappointed, maybe embarrassed they might have been. To be told the “Messiah was coming! Emmanuel coming down the road” and with eagerness they stretched their necks to look over the crowds to see their long awaited king riding on………. a donkey? Was this a joke, where was the white stallion? Maybe the non-believers laughed at the Jews for all their talk and years of fervent prayer. “You prayed all those years for this?!” Could they even have felt mocked by Jesus?
As I saw this dream of mine die, I did what I could to bring life back into it. “CPR” you might say, pushing in breaths and compressing and waiting for a sign of life, but still no pulse. The life I was giving it wasn’t enough. I got tired, there was no response, and eventually my arms turned to flubber and my strength left me. Through the pain of my dream dying I have felt Christ ask me something, “Do you love me even more than this dream that you have put so much of your identity in?” And the sad, honest, answer was “No.”
The joy we are able to have in Christ is that death has no victory over us. Though my dream has died Christ can raise it up when and if he’d like. But, if Christ’s breath is breathed into it that dream will not ever die. I can have more assurance in the dreams he makes happen than the ones I make happen.
I want and hope for Christ to breathe life into my dreams. But I know that they have to die to me so that they might really have the chance to be fully alive in Christ. I guess this is a way of dying to the flesh for me.
Brennan Manning says it perfectly:
“Search your heart for the Isaac in your life – name it and then place it on the altar as an offering to the Lord – and you will know the meaning of Abrahamic Trust,”
(Ruthless Trust, pg. 177).
I am looking for more of these dreams and even the things that make me hesitant to give up these dreams (pride, fear, anger, hurt) and I’m struggling to lay those on the altar, trusting that even if the knife does strike, the Lord will still provide. (Genesis 22:1-18).
Whom have I but you Lord? There is no one.
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